I would like to begin by saying that I thought the seats would vibrate. You know, gently. Like a little buzz. What I did not expect was to be strapped into a ride at Hollywood Studios.

Friends. This was not 4D. This was assault and battery. The lights dimmed. The previews started. The seat twitched. I thought, “Oh fun!” Then the movie actually began and my chair launched into what I can only describe as a CrossFit class. Every time someone ran? I ran. Every time someone got punched? My chair punched me. Every time there was a fight scene? It felt like someone spit in my hair and kicked me in my lower spine.

Shouldn’t we have signed a waiver or something?

I have vertigo. Which I apparently forgot when I confidently purchased tickets to this nightmare. There were moments I had to close my eyes. Not metaphorically. Literally. My sister’s glasses flew off her head during one particularly aggressive scene. They FLEW. I had to time my sips of Coke like I was defusing a bomb. I should not have to work this hard to consume a beverage.

Listen, maybe you have to be 17. Maybe you need a TikTok tolerance for chaos. Maybe your spine has better shock absorbers than mine. But I genuinely feel like there should be a warning: “This experience may feel less like watching a movie and more like being tossed inside a dryer.”

I thought we were going to watch a horror movie. Instead, I BECAME PART of the movie. When the credits rolled, I did not feel entertained. I felt betrayed. And very, very old. Was the movie fine? Sure. Was the experience worth it? Absolutely not.

If you are: prone to vertigo, attached to your glasses, in possession of an open drink, over the age of thirty, fond of your internal organs staying in one place, SAVE YOUR MONEY. See it in regular, stationary, blessedly boring 2D.

Let Ghostface scare you. Don’t let him bench-press you.